Whole Lot of Heart

I have been away from my blog lately.  Away from my podcast.  Away from this HAPPY SPACE.  And today I realized it was time to reconnect.  Time to remind myself about why I created Speaking Of Happy.  I wanted to put the HAPPY back into being gay and celebrate the LGBTQIA Community.  And although I have been EXTREMELY HAPPY lately I have been selfish and keeping much of that happiness to myself.  It has been on my mind however so today I return with an important blog which I hope makes a difference for someone, somewhere who may be suffering and feeling alone.  I am here.  I see you.  Listen to this song and know, I SEE YOU.  The song starts at 3:27 (cue it up now) but Idina shares a little about her new album and how personal it is to her.  And her music is very personal to me.  Because, partially through her, something really amazing happened to me!  This post isn’t about that, and perhaps one day I will share what that is but today this is about something else.  So, listen to this song and then come back to read the rest of the blog.  Or read and listen but know there is another song coming up that I hope will make an impact on you too so read on.

OK so now for the real reason for this post.

The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster for me.  On Sunday I found out, although it comes as no surprise, some of my family members who I love and respect dearly, do not feel the same about me.  And apparently I have been a hot topic for gossip.  Interesting thing is none of the offenders have come to me directly with their questions or concerns.  Instead they talk to other family members and share their judgements and evaluations about my life and how I live it.  And they even want to exclude me from participating in family gatherings.  But one person had the courage to come to me directly and tell me the truth.  She even said she wasn’t ok with excluding me or talking badly about me.  I am grateful for her caring and support.  And although it was hard for her to come to me and tell me the truth she did and I am grateful.

And the most interesting thing of all is how I choose to live my life!  I choose to be an outspoken advocate for the rights of the oppressed.  In my free time I am out educating people and fighting for the rights of people who have had their voice diminished.  Kids who are kicked out of their homes because they are LGBTQIA.  Youth who are bullied and picked on in school just because of who they are.  Bullied and demeaned by their classmates daily.  I hear horror stories all the time.  I have read messages being sent to some of the trans youth I know that should make ALL PEOPLE ANGRY.  And when the parents of those youth take proof to the schools their kids go to, the schools who talk to the oppressors take their word over the word and the proof of the oppressed.  And I can relate to the minimizing of feelings by others when I have pointed out how their actions are hurtful.  When they make statements like, I didn’t mean what I said in a bad way or even worse they tell me I am being too sensitive.

I put myself out there daily in all the little things I do to educate people about what it is to be transgender.  Teaching about microagressions and things that are inappropriate for people to say to me and I do it with kindness and compassion because I ALWAYS have the youth in the back of my mind.  Because I want them to feel safe and loved and cared for.  And by educating you I am hopefully creating a wave that you carry into your lives and you pass on what you have learned from me because you love me and respect me and see me for who I am.  And that ripple effect will change hearts and minds of those you interact with and by doing so we will save a child from heartache together.

On Monday I did a presentation to a room of more than 40 people.  I shared my story and brought along two high school students who generously shared what it is like for them in their schools daily.  The sharing was very raw and real.  We facilitated an exercise the group participated in on Microagressions – individual acts of subtle prejudice or hostility that can be unintentional or conscious, generally committed by one individual toward another individual.  Microassaults – small behaviors that are intentional and purposefully hurtful. (e.g., using the wrong name or pronouns, name calling, or making derogatory statements)  Microinsults – rude statements that are usually unintentional or unconscious that indicate ignorance or bias. (e.g., asking inappropriate questions, redirecting someone to another bathroom), Microinvalidations – statements or actions that are usually unintentional or unconscious that ignore, minimize, or nullify a person’s identity (e.g., having only two options for sex/gender on forms, teling gender non-conforming people that they should not be upset if people are confused by their gender).

I know you may be feeling guilty of doing some of these things, and until now DID NOT even realize it.  Some of the participants were appalled at what they were hearing.  They couldn’t believe it.  They experienced only 8 minutes of this, LGBTQIA youth endure minutes, that build into hours, weeks, months, and years of verbal assaults.  Many of them are getting it from their own family members.  Many of them are choosing to end their lives or being murdered in the streets.

Some of the participants shared some powerful emotions and pain in regard to their own experiences because yes LGBTQIA people are everywhere. One woman shared how the exercise had her present to her own cisgender privilege and how she has never been on the receiving end of such hateful, hurtful statements and she could clearly see how hard it might be for someone who does hear them every day.  I was tagged in a lovely thank you from the organization that invited us to speak and I am grateful the exercise made a difference for them.  And I am confident we had a very powerful impact on them.

Now listen to this song because it is where I come from on a daily basis!  I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes.  I openly share my emotions because I want you to know you are welcome to share yours with me.  That I will hold your heart carefully in my hands and help you to feel better about your life.

There is a Whole Lot of Heart in me because I am loved.  Because I have a huge supportive loving community of people who also believe in the world I believe in.  One that sees people for who they are.  One who lifts people up and respects them for who they are.

I am living my life being 100% authentic to myself.  Living for me so I can be HAPPY.  So that when I look at myself in the mirror I LOVE what I see reflected back at me.  For 50 years I lived a life so that everyone else could be comfortable, all the while I was dying inside.  

Today, I am living.  Today I am happy and fulfilled and LOVED.  And the biggest love is the love I feel for me.  

I am loved.  By many of my dear friends who know me and see me and honor the man I am.  They support me and have walked this journey with me and have done the work to learn more and educate themselves about what it is to be transgender.  Some of them are part of the community and they too have had to challenge their own strongly held beliefs in regard to the gender binary we have all been tricked into believing was real. But they are doing the work.

I am loved by my community and all of the amazing transgender people I know.  They show me daily what it is to be COURAGEOUS in the face of little or no agreement.  And they continue to move forward with their heads held high. They are GORGEOUS, CREATIVE, COMPASSIONATE humans and I celebrate them!

I am loved and seen by my sister Marisue and her family.  I know she helps to educate people in her life and is a powerful advocate for me too.  We have talked recently and we both believe we are so much closer today because of the freedom I feel to be me today. 

I am loved and seen fully by my mother.  A woman living in a memory care unit who can’t tell me what she had for lunch but she calls me her son every time I visit her and she has no judgement of me.  She says I am handsome and reminds me of stories from my childhood that affirm who I am.

I am loved by my 80 year old Aunt Betty with whom I share a birthday.  She tells me all the time how much I look like my dad and that I am ok just as I am. And her son, my cousin Ted, who called me to thank me for being strong and for living my life in a way that is inspirational to those around me.  

And I LOVE the transgender youth I have had the honor and privilege to meet.  Who have so generously shared their stories and lives with me.  And I will continue to be the change I wish to see in the world for them.  So that perhaps one day, no family will ever reject a child because of who they are. So that families will not have to suffer the loss of a child who committed suicide because of all the hate-filled rhetoric in our world.

So, gossip about me if you will.  Exclude me from family gatherings.  I will NEVER stop being WHO I AM.  And truth be told I will never stop loving you, but I may choose to remove myself from your life only to preserve my HAPPINESS.